Friday, April 28, 2006
The Moses of Dogs
Mom is a big fan of hers too and they had fun talking about animal rights, show biz and of course, men.
Gretchen: "Oh, I had a great time when I was on Broadway. I knew them all! Some of them are still alive, so I can't write that book yet!"
Mom: "Ooh! Tell me about some of the good dead ones!"
Gretchen: "Charlton Heston."
Mom: "Charlton Heston? He's alive, Isn't he?"
Gretchen: "Well, he's half dead anyway."
Mom: (belly laughing) "God! You were with Ben Hur and he was bad?"
Mom: "Well maybe you thought he was dead because he seemed that way in bed. His acting career's been dead for a while. And he was kind of dead as an actor in Soylent Green. Just look at him pumping those hunting rifles in the air at all those NRA conventions. What's wrong with him, encouraging people to shoot and kill animals? But he sure was gorgeous."
Then the most embarrassing thing happened. Gretchen, the Martin Luther King of dogs, was eating her lunch at her desk and I farted. By accident,I detonated an atomic fart missile. This was no ordinary fart, but a stinking cloud of noxious gas that could melt wall paper and fog up windows. She was so nice about it. She didn't get mad, she kept right on eating her tofu salad.
I wanted to apologize but I was too star-struck.
Mom: "Oh,no. I hate to tell you this in the middle of your lunch, but Jinky just passed an ill wind. He's very sorry.
Gretchen: (to Mom) "At least it wasn't you, Carole."
After my bad gas cleared, Gretchen told me what I can do to help my old cell mates who are being sold to research facilities. They're being taken from shelters to go to laboratories and get horrible things done to them for no good reason. She told me to tell you to make sure you call your senator so it doesn't happen in YOUR state.
It's a good thing that Gretchen Moses Wyler the dog prophet is retiring from the Humane society and moving out of that office in a few weeks because I think I gassed the office so bad, it's no longer possible to work in there.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
What if I bite Kim Bassinger?
I've got six more days until I get in the ring at the big "Nuts for Mutts Dog Show." It's a fund raiser for homeless dogs and a spoof of the Westminster Dog Show. The dogs who will be competing have no pedigrees and no balls.
I feel a lot of pressure because Mom really wants me to win. I don't know what it's going to be like there, all the way out in Woodland Hills, in the heat with hundreds of mutts competing for Best in Show. We're going to be climbing over mountains of dog poop. I'm in the Terrier Mix group and I have to run around a ring with Mom to see if I even qualify to be in the formal competition.
I've been boiling myself in the Jaccuzi and getting myself mentally prepared for a big, phony Hollywood let down.
Mom: "He'd better qualify."
Dad: "What if he bites the judges?"
Mom : "It's being hosted by Kim Bassinger. She'd better not try to touch him or he'll bite her."
Dad: "What if we're like those parents who think their kid is a genius and then as soon as he gets into a school they find out their kid is retarded--that the kid is the dumbest kid in the class?"
Mom: "That's not possible. He's the cutest and no one is cuter."
Dad: "What if it's all rigged, like everything else in this town?"
Mom: "Don't be so negative. He's going to WIN. He has to win."
Mom is acting like a hyper-caffeinated stage mother. Just because she can't get an acting job in this town, does it mean that I have to be put through the anxiety of having to be cuter than every other dog? We looked at the pictures from the show last year and a totally ordinary, boring dog won last year.
Other than Kim Bassinger, the celebrities were definitely B list, like Mom. Eric Roberts was there. Mom played his wife on that "Less than Perfect" show that got canceled. I just can't believe that Eric Roberts gets to decide if I'm cute enough to qualify for a mutt dog show in Woodland Hills.
Mom and Dad have been fighting like cats and dogs over who gets to parade me in front of the judges. Guess who the judges are. The Barbie Twins. That's right, four hot air balloons are going to be giving me the fish eye.
The eight hundred year old calendar twins get to decide if I'm cute or not.
This is such a load of cat poop.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
DOG SHOW REGISTRATION CONFIRMATION
Best Terrier MixQualifying Round: 10:20:00 AMFinal Round: 10:30:00 AM
Qualifying - April 29, 2006Final - April 30, 2006* In the case of rain, show is rescheduled to May 13 & 14 (check web site for weather report)
9:00am (both days)
First Category Begins:
10:00am (both days)
Best In Show (Sunday):
Pierce College - Shepard Stadium 6201 Winnetka Ave, Woodland Hills, CA 91371Paid and free parking available. There will be a shuttle van available from the general parking lot to the event.Google directions can be found at www.nutsformutts.com.
You can always check your account and registration information online. Just go to www.nutsformutts.com to login.
You will need to pick up your Bib and a Pet Fair ticket for you and your dog(s), at Contestant Check-in by the entrance to the fair. Nothing will be mailed to you. We will have your name on a list at Contestant Check-in. You must have your Bib pinned to your shirt prior to competing.
PLEASE ALLOW AMPLE TIME FOR PARKING! A shuttle van is available to transport you from the general parking lot to the stadium, but you should still give yourself plenty of time. If you are late for your event, you will not be able to compete or cut in line. There is a parking fee of $4 at CSUN.
All dogs must be wearing a training collar so they can't slip out of it (pinch/prong, choke chain, premier or harness), i.d. tag and leash. Aggressive or highly insecure dogs will not be allowed to compete.
Arrive in the ON-DECK AREA at least 15 minutes prior to your event. If you are one of the contestants to move on to the FINAL ROUND, you must come back on Sunday to compete. Arrive in the ON DECK AREA for the Final ring 15 minutes prior to the FINAL ROUND TIME. If you win the FINAL ROUND event, you will compete for BEST IN SHOW at 4:30pm and will need to arrive in the ON-DECK AREA no later than 4:15pm.
All registration fees are non-refundable. Your fee goes towards the rescuing and care of homeless animals.
New Leash On Life Animal Rescuewww.nutsformutts.comwww.newleash.org818.710.9898 or 661.255.0097
Friday, April 14, 2006
For the anonymous Jinky fan, here is the myspace page!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The Over 40 Death March
This week has been a major effort. I went with her to edit her new "speed reel," a one minute video extravaganza of lots of different TV shows Mom worked on. The problem with her new reel is that all the shows on it have been canceled. She spent money that I made on my book deal editing snippets of shows that were all dumped by network TV.
Hollywood is a harsh town. You're only as good as what you're working on right now. Even if you were working on something a month ago, that's old news and if you're not actually working on a show today, you're like a stray dog in Tijuana, covered in the stink of loserdom.
Since we got back from Nice, France, Europe, Mom has spent nearly all of my book deal advance on color head shots, DVDs and internet streaming video services so that Hollywood producers can click on her and watch her in action on canceled shows.
But they're not clicking on Mom. They're clicking on me. I've got a web page on Myspace.com now and hundreds of people are adding me as their friend. Myspace is a place on the Internet where a hundred million people and dogs are hooking up and making "friends." These so-called friends are kind of like Hollywood friends. They don't actually act like they know you unless you're rich and famous.
Mom is six and a half in dog years and that's old in Hollywood. Even when there is a role for a six and a half-year old actress like today on Heather Locklear's new show, "Women of a Certain Age," Mom can't catch a break. She studied her lines all night and this morning, she spent hours rehearsing and doing her hair when her manager called.
Mom's Manager: "Honey, they cut the role from the script. I'm sorry."
Mom: "What?! I was just leaving for Disney in Burbank!"
Then Mom just stood there, motionless in the garden-- in disbelief, hands in the air like an Iraqi bomb victim.
For old actresses, Hollywood is a war zone, like Bahgdad. Unseen forces are always trying to kill your career and every audition is a road-side bomb.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Mom is Piggybacking my Career
Today, Dad invited all the big Hollywood punch up writers to the house and only one person showed up, Ritch Shydner. The whole bunch of them were supposed to sit around the pool and read my book while they pitched jokes to make it funnier.
Dad: "Well if only one person was going to show up, at least it's the funny one. You know what? My Hollywood friends ask me to go punch up their stuff and my real friends help punch up for me and my dog."
Poor Mom and Dad. Whenever they invite people to the house, the people they invite don't show up because they find better, more important parties to go to. If they invited dogs, all the dogs would come because we're not like that. In the afternoon, Maximilian the photographer showed up and wanted me to pose standing on the Corvette. I don't really like modeling. The car was hot and it was burning my feet. Mom likes it though. She squeezed herself into a little dress and posed in contorted positions all over the car.
Maximilian: "Yes! That's it! It's SO Vanity Fair! Can you get Jinky to turn around? All we see is his ass. Can he show his face?"
Dad had to stand around in the hot sun and bribe me with a jar of peanut butter because without it, I wasn't going to cooperate. I really did it more for Mom just to give her the feeling that someone still wanted to photograph her like before I was born.
I don't think that she's using me or anything but she might be piggybacking my career at this point. Whatever makes her happy.